Dear Senator Weiner,
Really?? With a name like Weiner, you should have known that public office would not bode well for you. I'm sad to have to point this out, but it was doomed from the start. The frat guys got a kick out of voting for your name on the ballot, and many congressman had a good run chuckling each time they asked one another, "Have you met Weiner yet?", but it is now coming to a dreadful end. You were a "victim" of an unforgiveable and unforgorgettably bad name. Hindsight is always 20/20. But, please, don't hold out any longer. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to the court house and start the name change process. Honestly, we live in a day when people can change their gender for heaven's sake. Would it really have been that difficult?
You will probably need to begin the job hunt now too. Maybe you could apply at Heinz, with a whitty tagline on your resume, like, "Weiner knows ketchup." Better yet, call up the good folks at Oscar Meyer. They can forget the weinermobile. They will now have THE WEINER. Even if they aren't hiring, I'm sure they will create a position for you. Good luck, Weiner.
P.S. NO ONE wants to see a twittered Weiner. Dude, what were you thinking??
And, dear readers, speaking of Weiners, do you have any idea how many preservatives and chemicals are in those things? (like that clever segue?) Not to mention the unspeakable animal body parts that are legal to use in hot dogs, but can't be sold as meat on their own? It makes me think twice about feeding them to my kiddos. I have offered them in a pinch, but I no longer buy them or keep them in my refrigerator. I would love to see some "natural" ones on the market, though. (The food variety, not the Senator variety of course. I'm sure he will be back on the market soon, but I would definitely pass on that offer!)